12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

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greatwater
Well Known Member
Posts: 329
Joined: 09 Jan 2017, 06:22

12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by greatwater »

Hi, I’m writing monologues for Christmas stories about desperate men. It’s just like a play when you get each character talking about themselves under the larger theme. Let’s just imagine you’re in a theatre called Burston Hall, or something, and now watching the show called Twelve Men Standing: monologues of desperate men. (Let’s see if I can write twelve men or not.) Though everything is fake in the theatre, the actor needs to pee for real.

(There’s another set of monologues, especially for the other section.)

Please welcome Patrick!

1. Patrick

(A stage is set like a garden, with a bench in the middle. There are trees not far from the bench. A man, dressed up in early nineteenth-century costume, walk out of the backstage. He keeps looking on the left for a few times. He walks painfully, grabbing his crotch. Then, he sits on the bench.)

Hi. I’m Patrick. I heard people here love listening to men in despair. Just to whet your appetite…I shouldn’t have used that word…I just want to say I regret drinking those coffees today and I’m waiting for my turn to relieve myself.

I’m working as a guide, here at Hatsworth Garden. You might ask that, in this Covid year, how could people travel and enjoy having a tour guide. Well, first of all, this place is big enough to follow social distancing measures, and, in case of rain…. I shouldn’t have said that (He crosses his legs.) In case of rain (he taps his fingers on the bench), we can move the customers to our large buildings still under Covid social distancing rules. Luckily, it’s not raining today, and that’s why I welcomed so many guests, and that’s why…I hadn’t had a chance to use the toilet.

And, yes, people are visiting us. They are disheartened by the lockdowns. When they can travel, still in the same tier, they just come. Well, thanks to the hottest Tim Doyle, fans flock to see him and ask him to be their guide. Have you watched that dating show? You might know him from that show. His biceps, his triceps, his V-lines…Yes, I’m gay. …Because of Tim, we have so many customers today. Well…ahem...oops…(He crosses his legs once again.)….I’m still….OK. (He looks at the backstage, on the right.) Yeah…people are queuing still at the toilet. Well, Tim brings people who watch the show and follow his instagram. Some of them just wanted to see me. I’m still surprised because the number of my followers on my instagram account is rising. They said they saw me in Tim’s photos and they just find me hot. Thanks, Tim. (Patrick looks at “the toilet” backstage again.) Tim’s in the same condition as I am. Maybe he’s worse.

Well, I’m glad that Tim has brought his fans and some of them are my fans too! But they shouldn’t have arrived on the day when only one of the staff toilets is working and I drank three large mugs of black coffee. Well, people flood in and I just had to energise myself.

Ahhhh…You know I’m regretting drinking them right now. Jeez…. (He crosses his legs again, looking at the backstage through the right exit.) Staffs are still queuing for toilet. Poor Tim! Tim’s so close to the door. I was late. I was so busy and when I headed to the only functioning toilet, people are queuing there. Tim’s at the front door now, and I have two people before me.

(He looks through the trees on his right.)

No I shouldn’t do that. Mrs. Riley won’t let us use customers’ toilet. The Gents at the front was actually a small servant building at that time, so the Gents is quite small. According to social-distancing rules, you cannot pee next to each other. I’m sure people are queuing too.
(He looks at the staff toilet, invisible to the audience, backstage again.)

Tim, just knock the damn door! You don’t have to be so nice all the time. Tim is such a nice man, and the fans love him. Tim, knock the door and tell them to hurry. People sometimes love taking selfies in the toilet. Like, Manuel. He thinks he is as hot as Tim. Tim is dancing. Ooh…my bladder is just…ahhhh…I shouldn’t have looked at the staff’s toilet. My body just needs it. Come on, people….

(He sighs and grabs his crotch once more.)

Well, let’s talk about something else. In this dreary season, you might think we have nothing to offer you. Yes, the price for winter is cheaper because we don’t have much to show you, yet we still have large beautiful greenhouses with great collections of plants. (He picks a brochure left on the bench and read.) “In winter, Hatsworth Garden prepares amazing fountain performances for the evening guests and the legendary artificial waterfall is still flowing.” I just shouldn’t have read that…Oh God….come on...Oh yes…we have this historical shows about lives in the early nineteenth century, like what you see in Jane Austen’s novel or Netflix’s Bridgerton. We show everything. How they partied. How they danced. How they married. How they wore their clothes, especially for the aristocrats. People loved watching Tim wearing his clothes…obviously…me too! I’m sad for them when they see me instead of Tim. Anyway, we’d just show them how to wear these costumes.

(He stands up and adjusts his clothes, as if he were in the show. Then, he winces and moans.)

I just shouldn’t have DONE THAT. Ahhh..Standing hurts. No. I need to show you. There was a guy asking me last week about the tightness of the costume and how we wore it and enjoyed a party. I just showed him that people loved to party at that time and these trousers (He bends and winces.) …these trousers are not that restraining. You can just adjust the waist very easily.

(He adjusts the waist and winces. He looks at the toilet backstage.) Tim’s still waiting there.

(He looks around, dancing a little in desperation.)

I’m sorry, Mrs. Riley. I know I shouldn’t do this, but …ahhh… (A little wet spot on his crotch can be seen.) this is not my costume.

(He turns his profile to the audience. He acts as if he were hiding, but he is showing the audience that he is taking it out and just aims at the root of the tree. The urine stream hits the tree quite hard. He remains silent for about 10 seconds.)

Crisis averted.

(He still pees very hard and the puddle forms not far from his feet. He sighs and smiles. He keeps urinating.)

Crisis averted.

(He’s still relieving himself when he hears a voice from backstage, saying “Oi, Patty!”)

What? Tim! I couldn’t hold it, man! I’m serious.

(Tim appears on stage. The audience can see a large wet spot on his crotch.)
Patrick: Poor Tim!

Tim: I should have joined you.

Patrick: it’s gonna be fine, Tim. Accident happens.

Tim: I still need to go.

(Tim just lowers the waistband and stands next to Patrick, releasing the rest of his bladder, as Patrick’s stream is tapering down.)
"What a relief! I thought I was gonna wet myself at the interview!"
"Damn the traffic! Been holding for about three hours!"
"Here we go! Ahhhhhhh Amazing piss!"

Brian
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Posts: 1687
Joined: 01 Sep 2016, 10:32
Location: The Netherlands

Re: 12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by Brian »

This is a new idea, or at least I've never seen anyone in our community do this before. I think it works really well.

This monologue (number 1) would be simple to stage too. Except that the actors would need to be able to manage the tricky business physically during the performance and a mistake with timing in their preparation could cause an altered outcome!

Male tour guides can be very interesting from our point of view. I love it when you write about them.

Fred
Site Staff
Posts: 1343
Joined: 20 Sep 2016, 12:37

Re: 12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by Fred »

Great idea! Perhaps each of us could come up with a monologue to contribute.....

greatwater
Well Known Member
Posts: 329
Joined: 09 Jan 2017, 06:22

Re: 12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by greatwater »

I can't wait to hear from you, Fred.

And I really want to make a show like this, and I'm sure many of us would support this kind of entertainment.
"What a relief! I thought I was gonna wet myself at the interview!"
"Damn the traffic! Been holding for about three hours!"
"Here we go! Ahhhhhhh Amazing piss!"

Dazza88
Site Staff
Posts: 149
Joined: 02 Aug 2018, 14:35

Re: 12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by Dazza88 »

fantastic read, genuinely enjoyed that :D

greatwater
Well Known Member
Posts: 329
Joined: 09 Jan 2017, 06:22

Re: 12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.

Post by greatwater »

2. George
(Half of the stage is set like an old toilet, with a toilet inside. The toilet might not function on stage, but a container should be placed inside the toilet to contain the actors’ urine. The toilet’s fourth wall is open to the audience, who can see what happens inside, while the characters do not. On stage, you can see a man coming out of the toilet with a smile, while another rush in and pee. There are at least seven people queuing at the toilet. There was a gay couple in the middle. One of them speaks to the audience.)

Hey, I'm George. I'm in the queue for a toilet. We've been travelling on the bus with friends after a trip to celebrate the victory of the team of our town. Yeah. Just like my friends around here, I just drank so much. You like that, don’t you? (George winks.)

(George pats his boyfriend’s shoulder, then crossing his legs and gritting his teeth. A man in white shirt in the front moans aloud from time to time.)

I couldn't help it, man. Seriously, we were celebrating. How could we stop drinking? The driver said there was a toilet on the bus, but then, on our way back, he just found out that it didn't work, but he promised us that he'd find a rest stop for us. (George looks around and grabs his crotch.)
Most of us fell asleep, and when we woke up, we were bursting. I can see Eddie's pee bulge very clearly as he tried to sleep beside me, but his hands travelled around his crotch, trying to tie the knot. (George smirks at Eddie, who cannot stand still. Then he just moans and grabs his crotch tight.) I don't know how long I can tell this story without wetting myself!

(A man in white shirt beams when the door opens.)

OK. The door just opens and Jimmy's in now. Jimmy has kept moaning all the way, you know. Well, the driver was kind. He said the rest stop wasn't far away, but, fuck it, it was closed down and in disrepair. It was deserted. He said he'd drive on and he was sure we'd reach a gas station soon! Jimmy has moaned so loud all the way. (Jimmy moans in the toilet as he is releasing his huge stream. The rest tries to control themselves in their own way.)

Ted yelled

(A man in front of Eddie squirmed and yelled, "How long do we have to fucking wait?"),

while Tony tried unlocking the broken toilet door to no avail. He winced as he pushed the door hard. You see, now, Tony's all smiling because he has peed! (It is revealed that Tony is the first guy the audience has seen peeing. Now he’s smiling sheepishly and chatting with his phone.)

(Eddie squirms and grabs his crotch tight. He seems to be in tears.)

Eddie, are you all right, babe? He looks like he's going to burst. Ted is now at the door. Thank God! You know, it took us almost an hour after leaving that deserted shitty rest stop to reach this small gas station. Loads of crazy and desperate men had to use only one toilet there!

Before we reached this gas station, everybody was madly crazy. The can was too small for us to yank our tool and released everything in our bloated bladder. Well, Sean did try, he said, "I'll just need to get a little bit out so I could hold it all the way through." Bob agreed, so they just showed us their piss while we were holding for our dear life.

(Bob, who stood behind George, stands in the spotlight next to Sean, who has just entered the stage. They are really desperate. Then, they had a small beer can in their hand and just unzip to pee for the audience to see. They moan in joy.)

We envied them. They pissed so hard and fast into the beer can. Well, Bob could stop, but he just winced. It was so hard to hold when you have broken the seal. Well, in Sean’s case…

(As Bob tries difficultly to hold on after gushing some urine into the small can. Sean is struggling to hold on. His can overflows, and when he tries to keep his tool inside his pants, he squirms and dances. He grabs his crotch, and, slowly, the audience could see, no matter how hard he tries to hold on, a wet spot on his pants. It gets bigger quickly and finally a waterfall rushes out. He just stands their helpless as others in the queue tries not to see him. He pees for more than a minute.)

Poor Sean is now happy Sean. He didn't need to wait just like us. Damn. Well. we then arrived at this place. Thank God, Ted's inside. (The audience can see Ted has some difficulty unbuckling and undoing his tight trousers.)

Hmmm Should I just…? (George grabs his crotch, looking at Sean, who is walking out of the stage, away from his pool of urine.) No. I can hold it. Eddie's next. (George pats his boyfriend’s shoulders.) Then, me. Ahh Damn it. (He looks around.) I wish we could just find some sneaky spot to piss. (Eddie’s squirming and a wet spot appears on his crotch.) My poor babe, Eddie. Are you OK, Eddie? Don't cry, babe. (George knocks the door) Ted, faster, Ted! (Ted starts to wet himself as he is struggling to unzip.) Eddie is such a strong man. I've never seen him cry. Ted. Can you hear me? Hurry! We’re bursting here.

(Ted just manages to yank it out when his underwear is soaked. Ted sighs out loud and the sighs disturbs the queue. George squirms, while Eddie grabs his crotch to no avail.)

It's fine, Eddie. I'm bursting too. OK. It's fine. I don't see any problems with that. You drank so much. I'll be just like you very soon, baby. (He sighs.) Damn it. You see I'm leaking too. Ted won't be that faster. Does it hurt? Let go, babe. It's fine. (Eddie looks worriedly at George. George nods at him, but then he looks away, grabbing his crotch for dear life. George speaks under his breath.) I just don’t want to wet myself. If my babe wets myself, it’s fine, but I won’t wet myself. I…(he crosses his legs and dances.)…won’t. I had held so much and I used to hold it all the time…at work…at the stadium. I am kind of weirdly proud of holding a lot of urine. But I drank beer, and I just…Ahhh God….it’s not easy to hold so much beer in on the bus with a broken toilet. Eddie seems to need it more than me. (He grunts.) Ahh Damn it! I’m losing it. No. Not now. Not now.

(Eddie starts to release more piss and feels nervous about what he’s doing. Ted, inside the toilet, is washing his hands for twenty seconds. The sound of the water can be heard.)

It’s OK, babe. (George takes hold of Eddie’s hand, while his other hand grabs his own crotch.) Let it go, baby. I have no problems with that. (George gulps, as Eddie slowly releases his urine. George shakes and squirms, speaking to the audience softly again.) Eddie’s going to be in heaven very soon. (Eddie sighs.) I love it when he beams, but that means. (George sees a wet spot on his trousers.) Damn it. Ted! Come on!

(The door is swung open. Ted comes out whistling.)

Use the toilet, babe. I can hold it. (George bends over in desperation.) Yes. I can. I know you need some privacy. We…we haven’t peed together and it’s going to be quite…weird. (George squirms, looks longingly at the door.)

Eddie: You can’t, George. Come on. We can use the toilet together. We’re boyfriends.

(George was dragged inside. The audience can see the trail of urine following them. The door’s locked.)

Bob: Hey, can I be your boyfriend too? (Bob squirms.)

George: (to the audience) This is just ….ahhhh…(squirming) too close. Too close. (To Eddie) Are you OK, with me inside the toilet?

Eddie: I have no problem. (He unzips and fishes out his tool from his soaked underwear. He sighs as his stream hits the toilet. Eddie beams as he can finally release his golden liquid.)

George: Damn this belt! (George starts leaking even more.)

Eddie: Let me help.

George: Just enjoy your pee, babe. Oops! (George crosses his legs. A long trail of pee flows from his crotch to the tip of his trousers.) Damn it. (George unbuckles the belt) Finally! (He slowly unzips, but then the stream rushes out hard and strong.) This zipper too? (As Eddie moans and enjoys his pee, George is slowly unzipping. The puddle under him is larger and larger.)

Eddie: Let go, baby. It’s OK.

(Eddie touches his boyfriend’s shoulder.)

George: (to the audience) This works like magic, people, all the time. (George sighs as he finally lets go of his urine through his underwear. The audience can see a large waterfall gushing out.) This feels so good, Eddie.

(Bob, who has been squirming all along, aims his tool at the toilet door and moans in relief.)
"What a relief! I thought I was gonna wet myself at the interview!"
"Damn the traffic! Been holding for about three hours!"
"Here we go! Ahhhhhhh Amazing piss!"

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