Policeman's Courtroom Embarrassment

[Lee]

“It’s only me!” bellowed a voice from the hallway and Kerry heard the front door of the flat slam shut. It all felt very homely, even though she and 22-year old boyfriend Josh had only moved in together just over six months ago. Josh had recently graduated from Hendon Police Training College and he had been assigned to one of the North London stations where he was undertaking his on-the-job training. Kerry loved being able to refer to him as ‘PC Melling’.

She completed the final touches of the dinner preparation and walked out into the lounge, where Josh had plonked himself down in the big armchair and was bent forwards unlacing his boots,

“Oh, am I pleased to be getting these off!” he said, as he tugged the boot off from his left foot. He slumped back into the soft chair before stretching and standing up, picking up both his boots and his jacket and heading back out into the hall.

“Your feet shouldn’t be aching. I thought you were going to be at court all day, observing?” called Kerry, “Surely you’ve been sitting down most of the day?”

“We have, but the boots are still rubbing a bit, I think I’m going to need to buy some thicker socks. Anyway, it was a day and a half, I can tell you!”

“Why? Did you watch interesting cases?”

“No, not really, not much of interest, at least not any of the cases, but Oh Kerry, you’re seriously not going to believe this!”

“Believe what?” enquired Kerry as Josh re-appeared in the lounge, “What do you mean?”

Josh sat in the armchair again and rubbed his hands over his face, “You will not believe this, never, ever, ever!”

“Tell me!” interrupted Kerry again, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and she sat down on the arm of the large sofa.

Josh just sat there, stretched again, curled his toes tightly in his socks and then laughingly shook his head, “No, no, no! It didn’t happen, tell me it didn’t happen!”

Before Kerry could say anything else, Josh said, “Have you got your glass of wine in the kitchen? Go and get it and I’ll tell you the most astonishing thing, you’re going to die, trust me.”

Kerry shot outside, grabbed her glass and returned, sitting on the sofa seat this time, agog at what Josh was seemingly about to reveal.

“Oh, Kerry, talk about a never-to-be-forgotten day! You know we were all meeting up again today to watch in different courtrooms at the magistrates’ court? Well, we were all taken to the court and left there, three of us in each courtroom. Matt was there, and Luke and Toby too. Also, Pavel and Nevin, Chris and Sammy and, do you remember Dean?”

“I think so” Kerry replied, “Is he one of the ones who got a commendation at Hendon?”

“He is, yes. Prize brainbox of the class.”

Kerry took a large gulp of her win as Josh continued in a quiet voice.

“Well, I went in court three with Matty and Nevin and we were in there all morning, watching a lot of tedious stuff, to be honest. We had quite a long break half way through the morning which was good but apparently a couple of the others got stuck with a lengthy trial and couldn’t get out at all.

Anyway, eventually the morning finished and I’ll tell you, my bum was aching sitting on that wooden bench. I was going numb and couldn’t wait to stand up. As soon as we’d done so, the clerk took us next door into court one and all the others joined us where Sammy, Kevin and Dean were still sitting being given a de-briefing by the clerk in their court. They’d been stuck with the all-morning, no-breaks trial and he was telling them how the decision had been reached.

We all went and stood near them and all of a sudden, the door opened and another court official came in with some old bloke in some sort of ceremonial robe. It turns out he was the London Lieutenant, or something like that, and he sometimes sits at the court like a judge. Just our luck that he was there today and he’d come into to talk to us about his role and what he did.

We all crowded onto the wooden benches and squashed up together whilst he started talking. He went on and on and on. I think a few tummies were rumbling and I was gagging for a drink but I wasn’t really looking at the others until, Oh Kerry, you ready for this?”

And Josh covered his face, brought his knees up to his chest momentarily and then shook his head once again.

“What, what, what?” barked Kerry.

“Well, all of a sudden, I saw Nevin sort of look down and then look up again and he looked straight at all of us, he seemed as if he was a bit startled, then he looked down again and back at me and just stared at me. I didn’t know what was going on, the old boy was still babbling away and then I realised that Luke was also looking down, and then he glanced round at all of us as well. I just couldn’t work out what was happening or what they seemed to have spotted, and then suddenly Sammy leaned forwards a bit, looked down at the floor and then shuffled slightly on the bench, as if he was trying to move along it a bit.

I looked at the others and everyone seemed to be looking either at each other or at the floor. The only one not looking around was Dean and then I heard the most awful sound, it was like someone was gently rustling some paper, like screwing up tin foil or something, just really quietly and then it was like a pitter-patter sound. At the same time as I heard it, I looked down at the floor and you will never guess what? It was all like dripping out of the bottom of both of Dean’s trouser-legs!!”

“No!!! He was wetting himself?”

“Yep, but not just weeing himself, more like he was peeing for England. The noise was it running off the bench onto the wooden floor. I just stared and it was running all down his legs, over his shoes and like I said, falling from the seat. The puddle was starting to run away from his feet.”

“Whatever did you do?”

“Nothing, we were all glancing at each other and at what was happening but no-one did or said anything. You know how soldiers on parade don’t move their heads but just move their eyes instead? Well, that’s just what it was like. I don’t think the Lieutenant, or whoever he was, even noticed but the young court clerk who was standing just behind him must have realised something was happening and he seemed to shuffle slightly so that he could see under the benches and then he obviously must have seen it too.

Dean was just sitting there, staring ahead of him as if he was transfixed, all the while just weeing and weeing!”

“In his pants?” whispered Kerry, stating the blatantly obvious.

“Yes, in his trousers and pants. I’ve never seen anyone wet themselves like that before. By the time I glanced down again, the puddle was like a lake all round his shoes. I guess he must have finished going eventually and just done the lot, it doesn’t bear thinking about how bad he must have needed it.”

“So what happened then?”

“Well, the guy was still rattling on, believe it or not but by then everyone was sort of looking at Dean because some of us didn’t know whether he was okay? Well, of course he wasn’t okay, he’d just flipping wet himself, hadn’t he, but you know, what I mean. He seemed to be a bit more with it by then and he was sort of glancing back at us looking panic-stricken, as if to say, ’Please don’t say anything’.

I saw Sammy look directly at him and Dean just gently shook his head and seemed to mouth something, like ‘Don’t’, so we all just sat there. The clerk obviously knew completely by then and I thought any second the old boy’s going to notice too because it’s going to start trickling out across the floor out towards where’s standing.

Anyway, he warbles on for about another five or six minutes and poor Dean’s just sitting there in his sopping wet pants and uniform trousers, I can’t imagine what’s going through his mind and then finally, the speech stops and he says something about wishing us luck and then off he goes, out of the back door on his own, leaving all of us with the young clerk. He seemed really awkward and embarrassed and just mumbled something about leaving us to make our own way back and he disappeared out of the door, but not before having a good old stare at Dean’s feet, as if to make doubly sure about what he’d seen.”

“Oh that’s awful, was he just busting so badly that he couldn’t hold it in?”

“Well yes, as soon as the clerk went out, Dean just put his hands over his face and swore. He said he’d been dying to go for most of the morning but they had no break and he reckoned the last twenty minutes or so before the court finished, he’d been frantic trying to stop himself doing it in his trousers but he knew they were coming to the end so he was desperately hanging on. Then, as soon as the case finished, the clerk came over and started talking to them about the result and Dean reckoned that he was just about to ask if he could go out when we came in and then, as he was on the verge of just getting up and going out, the old Lieutenant in all his robes came in and before Dean knew it, he’d started addressing us. He said he was in so much agony he had a terrible belly-ache, and then just involuntarily he started weeing and couldn’t stop and wet his pants.”

“It gets worse though, Kerry…”

And Josh continued to regale Kerry of the details of the aftermath which were firmly etched in his mind.


Back in the Courtroom and the Immediate Aftermath

“Bloody hell mate, are you alright?”

“What happened, mate?”

“What happened? What do you think happened? He’s pissed himself!”

“I know, I know that. I mean, are you okay, there’s nothing wrong like is there?”

“I don’t believe it. I’ve never been so desperate in all my life. I couldn’t stop myself. I just started going in my pants and couldn’t stop. What am I going to do?”

“Do you reckon the clerk noticed?”

“Oh, definitely, he was staring at that puddle frothing all round your feet, mate. The way he shot off like a frightened rabbit, he didn’t know what to say. The old fella didn’t realise though, I don’t think he even noticed what was happening! Another ten minutes and you’d have made it, mate.”

“I couldn’t hold it, I just couldn’t. I’d reached my limit. I just felt myself start doing it and the flow just got stronger and stronger. Bloody hell, it was running all down my legs. Do you think I’ll have to say anything, tell anyone?”

“Like who?”

“The sergeant back at the nick? Oh God, how am I going get back to the nick like this? What are they all going to say when they find out what I’ve done?”

You don’t need to tell anyone, it’s only us lot that know. We’ll spread the word quicker than you can imagine. I’m only joking, mate! The clerk won’t say anything, he was too embarrassed.”

“What am I going to about my uniform, though? We’ve got to sign out in the sergeant’s office when we get back. I can’t go back like this!”

“Go in the bog and take your pants off for a start, they’ll be beyond saving so just bin them.”

“Can’t he wet his trousers a bit?”

“Erm, he’s just been there and done that! What do you think he’s just done?!”

“No, I mean, try and wet them with some water and then try and dry them off a bit, take the whiff of the piss out of them. Is the bottom of your shirt okay or is that wet too?”

“I think my shirt’s okay, but my socks are wringing wet, it all went inside my shoes.”

“I’ve got some black trainers in my car, they look almost like boots, borrow those and at least you won’t squelch when you walk and I think I might have a pair of running socks in the car too, they’re probably white ones but if you don’t sit down too much, you’ll get away with it.”

“Quick, go and bin your pants and do what he said with your trousers, use the hand dryer. We’ll make sure that no-one comes in while you’re in there.”

“Hey, Dean, don’t worry mate, I’ve seen some bloke do that before, sit in his chair and wee-wee himself. Mind you, I think he was four years old at the time!!”


As the good-natured and gentle banter continued, Tony suddenly said “Oh No, I don’t believe it!”

Everyone glanced at him as he nodded towards the door. Through the glass panel they could see the young court clerk with a serious-looking expression on his face, speaking with the resident court-based Inspector. They both peered through the window and there was little doubt as to what the clerk was regaling to the officer.

Inside the courtroom, there were a few embarrassed looks and no-one felt sicker in his stomach than Dean, still sitting on the bench in his cold and clammy clothes, as the door swung open and the Inspector entered, leaving the clerk to once again disappear.

“Hello Lads” said Inspector Fry with a gentle smile.

There was a chorus of mumbled responses and the Inspector walked forwards, leaned over the back of the wooden bench and looked directly down at the puddle which was still swimming all around Dean’s shoes.

“Oh dear. At least I haven’t got to try and identify the culprit, have I?”

Dean felt his throat almost clam up and the moment was on a par with the worst he had ever had to experience. He said nothing but looked awkwardly at the floor, wishing he hadn’t done so as he saw the huge wet stain between his feet.

“Right then” spoke Inspector Fry softly, “before I continue, is there anyone else bursting to go to the toilet? We don’t want a repeat performance from someone else, do we?”

The rest of the young officers shook their heads in embarrassed fashion, wondering what on earth was about to happen.

“Okay, sit down then lads, just for a moment.”

They group of coppers sunk back into the seats on the wooden bench and there was a moment of tense silence before Inspector Fry began speaking.

“Now listen, there’s a few important lessons to be learned here, for all of us. Firstly, young Dean has endured a horrible experience and like it or not, you’re all part of it. I’m pretty sure that he won’t ever forget what’s just happened to him and neither will you lot, probably. People often say that you’ll laugh about unpleasant situations in the future and that’s entirely up to you whether you do or you don’t – but here’s the crux of it. It’s your incident, together, all of you. Laugh, cry, wince – do whatever you need to but do it together, within this group and don’t let it outside the group of you. You’ve all shared and experienced it so keep it like that, your own group secret to deal with as you all wish. Okay?

The court clerk’s going to be discreet too. He told me and he’s promised me that he’ll never breath a word to anyone else.”

“Secondly, there’s a big learning curve for you all. You might be fully fledged coppers now and that means being respectful citizens and law-abiding members of the community. You need to be ready for the job but you don’t to try and be super-human. We’ve all got bladders and personal needs and when you need to go, you need to go. It would have been embarrassing to have got up and walked out in the middle of what was happening and you’d probably have got a ticking-off for me if you’d done so. But a minor rollicking for not managing your needs, or sitting here now in soaking wet pants and trousers? I guess I know which choice most of you would make in the same situation again.”

“I’ve got two quick other things to say. One is that you, as a group, now need to use your initiative to find a way to clean up, mop up, whatever it is you have do. But don’t walk out and leave a great big puddle on the floor.”

“And finally, a message to make Dean feel a bit better and maybe allow the rest of you a little smile. I’m going to tell you that you are definitely not the first young copper to wet himself in this courtroom. I can swear that 100% to you.”

The rest of the group suddenly looked up with a burst of attention, and Inspector Fry grinned,

“I thought that might interest you! All I’ll say now is this. I was once standing at the back of this very courtroom when a young constable was giving evidence in that witness box there. I was watching and getting a bit concerned as to why he was shuffling his feet about and kept putting one foot on top of the other but my answer quickly came when I saw something trickling out of the bottom of his trouser-leg and running on the floor.

“Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t as discreet as you though Dean and he stopped giving his evidence and blurted out loudly in a panicked voice, ‘I need to leave the room now please. I’m going in my pants!” And that’s exactly what he did – went in his pants and wet himself like a pregnant elephant as he stood there. You can imagine the audience he had too!

“I have no doubt you’ll all hear that story, or versions of it, in the coming months as you all settle in, so you can listen, savour and think of today’s little event as your own personal and secret introduction to court life.

“Now go and help Dean sort himself out.”

[Brian]

Well, I remember a lot of this story from a while back, but I don't remember Inspector Fry's incredible pep talk at the end. What an amazing addition. I guess he's right - Dean really should have got up and walked out on that bewigged judge person and faced the consequences. Still, I think I'd have done the same as Dean did given the situation as it was.

[Fred]

"Peeing for England" and "wet himself like pregnant elephant" got a good laugh from me, as well as some of the other clever verbiage. This story, of course, is one of our classics, and I'm pleased that it will be available online for newcomers to appreciate.