12 men standing: monologues of desperate men.
Posted: 28 Dec 2020, 03:28
Hi, I’m writing monologues for Christmas stories about desperate men. It’s just like a play when you get each character talking about themselves under the larger theme. Let’s just imagine you’re in a theatre called Burston Hall, or something, and now watching the show called Twelve Men Standing: monologues of desperate men. (Let’s see if I can write twelve men or not.) Though everything is fake in the theatre, the actor needs to pee for real.
(There’s another set of monologues, especially for the other section.)
Please welcome Patrick!
1. Patrick
(A stage is set like a garden, with a bench in the middle. There are trees not far from the bench. A man, dressed up in early nineteenth-century costume, walk out of the backstage. He keeps looking on the left for a few times. He walks painfully, grabbing his crotch. Then, he sits on the bench.)
Hi. I’m Patrick. I heard people here love listening to men in despair. Just to whet your appetite…I shouldn’t have used that word…I just want to say I regret drinking those coffees today and I’m waiting for my turn to relieve myself.
I’m working as a guide, here at Hatsworth Garden. You might ask that, in this Covid year, how could people travel and enjoy having a tour guide. Well, first of all, this place is big enough to follow social distancing measures, and, in case of rain…. I shouldn’t have said that (He crosses his legs.) In case of rain (he taps his fingers on the bench), we can move the customers to our large buildings still under Covid social distancing rules. Luckily, it’s not raining today, and that’s why I welcomed so many guests, and that’s why…I hadn’t had a chance to use the toilet.
And, yes, people are visiting us. They are disheartened by the lockdowns. When they can travel, still in the same tier, they just come. Well, thanks to the hottest Tim Doyle, fans flock to see him and ask him to be their guide. Have you watched that dating show? You might know him from that show. His biceps, his triceps, his V-lines…Yes, I’m gay. …Because of Tim, we have so many customers today. Well…ahem...oops…(He crosses his legs once again.)….I’m still….OK. (He looks at the backstage, on the right.) Yeah…people are queuing still at the toilet. Well, Tim brings people who watch the show and follow his instagram. Some of them just wanted to see me. I’m still surprised because the number of my followers on my instagram account is rising. They said they saw me in Tim’s photos and they just find me hot. Thanks, Tim. (Patrick looks at “the toilet” backstage again.) Tim’s in the same condition as I am. Maybe he’s worse.
Well, I’m glad that Tim has brought his fans and some of them are my fans too! But they shouldn’t have arrived on the day when only one of the staff toilets is working and I drank three large mugs of black coffee. Well, people flood in and I just had to energise myself.
Ahhhh…You know I’m regretting drinking them right now. Jeez…. (He crosses his legs again, looking at the backstage through the right exit.) Staffs are still queuing for toilet. Poor Tim! Tim’s so close to the door. I was late. I was so busy and when I headed to the only functioning toilet, people are queuing there. Tim’s at the front door now, and I have two people before me.
(He looks through the trees on his right.)
No I shouldn’t do that. Mrs. Riley won’t let us use customers’ toilet. The Gents at the front was actually a small servant building at that time, so the Gents is quite small. According to social-distancing rules, you cannot pee next to each other. I’m sure people are queuing too.
(He looks at the staff toilet, invisible to the audience, backstage again.)
Tim, just knock the damn door! You don’t have to be so nice all the time. Tim is such a nice man, and the fans love him. Tim, knock the door and tell them to hurry. People sometimes love taking selfies in the toilet. Like, Manuel. He thinks he is as hot as Tim. Tim is dancing. Ooh…my bladder is just…ahhhh…I shouldn’t have looked at the staff’s toilet. My body just needs it. Come on, people….
(He sighs and grabs his crotch once more.)
Well, let’s talk about something else. In this dreary season, you might think we have nothing to offer you. Yes, the price for winter is cheaper because we don’t have much to show you, yet we still have large beautiful greenhouses with great collections of plants. (He picks a brochure left on the bench and read.) “In winter, Hatsworth Garden prepares amazing fountain performances for the evening guests and the legendary artificial waterfall is still flowing.” I just shouldn’t have read that…Oh God….come on...Oh yes…we have this historical shows about lives in the early nineteenth century, like what you see in Jane Austen’s novel or Netflix’s Bridgerton. We show everything. How they partied. How they danced. How they married. How they wore their clothes, especially for the aristocrats. People loved watching Tim wearing his clothes…obviously…me too! I’m sad for them when they see me instead of Tim. Anyway, we’d just show them how to wear these costumes.
(He stands up and adjusts his clothes, as if he were in the show. Then, he winces and moans.)
I just shouldn’t have DONE THAT. Ahhh..Standing hurts. No. I need to show you. There was a guy asking me last week about the tightness of the costume and how we wore it and enjoyed a party. I just showed him that people loved to party at that time and these trousers (He bends and winces.) …these trousers are not that restraining. You can just adjust the waist very easily.
(He adjusts the waist and winces. He looks at the toilet backstage.) Tim’s still waiting there.
(He looks around, dancing a little in desperation.)
I’m sorry, Mrs. Riley. I know I shouldn’t do this, but …ahhh… (A little wet spot on his crotch can be seen.) this is not my costume.
(He turns his profile to the audience. He acts as if he were hiding, but he is showing the audience that he is taking it out and just aims at the root of the tree. The urine stream hits the tree quite hard. He remains silent for about 10 seconds.)
Crisis averted.
(He still pees very hard and the puddle forms not far from his feet. He sighs and smiles. He keeps urinating.)
Crisis averted.
(He’s still relieving himself when he hears a voice from backstage, saying “Oi, Patty!”)
What? Tim! I couldn’t hold it, man! I’m serious.
(Tim appears on stage. The audience can see a large wet spot on his crotch.)
Patrick: Poor Tim!
Tim: I should have joined you.
Patrick: it’s gonna be fine, Tim. Accident happens.
Tim: I still need to go.
(Tim just lowers the waistband and stands next to Patrick, releasing the rest of his bladder, as Patrick’s stream is tapering down.)
(There’s another set of monologues, especially for the other section.)
Please welcome Patrick!
1. Patrick
(A stage is set like a garden, with a bench in the middle. There are trees not far from the bench. A man, dressed up in early nineteenth-century costume, walk out of the backstage. He keeps looking on the left for a few times. He walks painfully, grabbing his crotch. Then, he sits on the bench.)
Hi. I’m Patrick. I heard people here love listening to men in despair. Just to whet your appetite…I shouldn’t have used that word…I just want to say I regret drinking those coffees today and I’m waiting for my turn to relieve myself.
I’m working as a guide, here at Hatsworth Garden. You might ask that, in this Covid year, how could people travel and enjoy having a tour guide. Well, first of all, this place is big enough to follow social distancing measures, and, in case of rain…. I shouldn’t have said that (He crosses his legs.) In case of rain (he taps his fingers on the bench), we can move the customers to our large buildings still under Covid social distancing rules. Luckily, it’s not raining today, and that’s why I welcomed so many guests, and that’s why…I hadn’t had a chance to use the toilet.
And, yes, people are visiting us. They are disheartened by the lockdowns. When they can travel, still in the same tier, they just come. Well, thanks to the hottest Tim Doyle, fans flock to see him and ask him to be their guide. Have you watched that dating show? You might know him from that show. His biceps, his triceps, his V-lines…Yes, I’m gay. …Because of Tim, we have so many customers today. Well…ahem...oops…(He crosses his legs once again.)….I’m still….OK. (He looks at the backstage, on the right.) Yeah…people are queuing still at the toilet. Well, Tim brings people who watch the show and follow his instagram. Some of them just wanted to see me. I’m still surprised because the number of my followers on my instagram account is rising. They said they saw me in Tim’s photos and they just find me hot. Thanks, Tim. (Patrick looks at “the toilet” backstage again.) Tim’s in the same condition as I am. Maybe he’s worse.
Well, I’m glad that Tim has brought his fans and some of them are my fans too! But they shouldn’t have arrived on the day when only one of the staff toilets is working and I drank three large mugs of black coffee. Well, people flood in and I just had to energise myself.
Ahhhh…You know I’m regretting drinking them right now. Jeez…. (He crosses his legs again, looking at the backstage through the right exit.) Staffs are still queuing for toilet. Poor Tim! Tim’s so close to the door. I was late. I was so busy and when I headed to the only functioning toilet, people are queuing there. Tim’s at the front door now, and I have two people before me.
(He looks through the trees on his right.)
No I shouldn’t do that. Mrs. Riley won’t let us use customers’ toilet. The Gents at the front was actually a small servant building at that time, so the Gents is quite small. According to social-distancing rules, you cannot pee next to each other. I’m sure people are queuing too.
(He looks at the staff toilet, invisible to the audience, backstage again.)
Tim, just knock the damn door! You don’t have to be so nice all the time. Tim is such a nice man, and the fans love him. Tim, knock the door and tell them to hurry. People sometimes love taking selfies in the toilet. Like, Manuel. He thinks he is as hot as Tim. Tim is dancing. Ooh…my bladder is just…ahhhh…I shouldn’t have looked at the staff’s toilet. My body just needs it. Come on, people….
(He sighs and grabs his crotch once more.)
Well, let’s talk about something else. In this dreary season, you might think we have nothing to offer you. Yes, the price for winter is cheaper because we don’t have much to show you, yet we still have large beautiful greenhouses with great collections of plants. (He picks a brochure left on the bench and read.) “In winter, Hatsworth Garden prepares amazing fountain performances for the evening guests and the legendary artificial waterfall is still flowing.” I just shouldn’t have read that…Oh God….come on...Oh yes…we have this historical shows about lives in the early nineteenth century, like what you see in Jane Austen’s novel or Netflix’s Bridgerton. We show everything. How they partied. How they danced. How they married. How they wore their clothes, especially for the aristocrats. People loved watching Tim wearing his clothes…obviously…me too! I’m sad for them when they see me instead of Tim. Anyway, we’d just show them how to wear these costumes.
(He stands up and adjusts his clothes, as if he were in the show. Then, he winces and moans.)
I just shouldn’t have DONE THAT. Ahhh..Standing hurts. No. I need to show you. There was a guy asking me last week about the tightness of the costume and how we wore it and enjoyed a party. I just showed him that people loved to party at that time and these trousers (He bends and winces.) …these trousers are not that restraining. You can just adjust the waist very easily.
(He adjusts the waist and winces. He looks at the toilet backstage.) Tim’s still waiting there.
(He looks around, dancing a little in desperation.)
I’m sorry, Mrs. Riley. I know I shouldn’t do this, but …ahhh… (A little wet spot on his crotch can be seen.) this is not my costume.
(He turns his profile to the audience. He acts as if he were hiding, but he is showing the audience that he is taking it out and just aims at the root of the tree. The urine stream hits the tree quite hard. He remains silent for about 10 seconds.)
Crisis averted.
(He still pees very hard and the puddle forms not far from his feet. He sighs and smiles. He keeps urinating.)
Crisis averted.
(He’s still relieving himself when he hears a voice from backstage, saying “Oi, Patty!”)
What? Tim! I couldn’t hold it, man! I’m serious.
(Tim appears on stage. The audience can see a large wet spot on his crotch.)
Patrick: Poor Tim!
Tim: I should have joined you.
Patrick: it’s gonna be fine, Tim. Accident happens.
Tim: I still need to go.
(Tim just lowers the waistband and stands next to Patrick, releasing the rest of his bladder, as Patrick’s stream is tapering down.)