Halloween

[jdoewest]

I sat sipping my giant pumpkin spice vanilla latte while listening to a spooky audiobook interrupted by the occasional blaring of an impatient driver’s horn.

We’d been sitting at a standstill for quite some time when my phone dinged to alert me to a new text. It was my sister: “Almost here?”

I quickly texted back: “Stuck in Friday traffic on the freeway.”

Another ding: “Let me know when you are close. We’re ready to go.”

Most people would be stressed by the traffic, but not me. It was one of the few times during the day when I could have life totally to myself, to enjoy my audiobooks, and unwind from the long day at work. Besides, how could I be stressed during this time of the year? And, it was literally Halloween! My favorite night! The chill in the air, the crisp autumn breeze, the long days of a hot, dying summer giving way to the beautiful fall colors… It was magical!

Then something truly magical really happened right in front of me! We were still sitting there motionless on the elevated freeway when the driver’s door of the large white SUV in front of me popped open. Out jumped an incredibly beefy college-aged man wearing the skimpiest and sexiest ancient Egyptian style costume I had ever seen. Surely, he was on his way to a Halloween costume party and maybe had started to imbibe a little early? Just as I was admiring his exposed, sculpted midriff, he opened the passenger door, obscuring my view. And, while I could no longer see his abs, I could certainly see the impressively thick steam that flowed from him as he shielded himself from view between the two opened doors. His feet were spaced apart, and he stood facing the vacant shoulder of the freeway out of view. His steam went on forever, splashing against the concrete and forming a huge puddle that began to flow towards the edge and barrier of the elevated highway towards a storm drain. I looked around, but due to the angle, no one else in their cars had a clear view of what was going on here like I did, and besides, even if they did, nearly everyone was occupied by the phones in their hands anyway. He finally finished with a few last spurts. He slammed the passenger door shut, looked at me and shrugged, while mouthing something like, “Sorry, I couldn’t hold it.” I nonchalantly shrugged as if to reply, “no big deal, who cares,” but was secretly trying to catch my breath. Little did he know that he had just provided me a visual that would fuel my fantasies for years to come.

I finally made it to my sister’s house. As I pulled in her driveway, they were already outside in their Halloween costumes, waiting for me so we could all go trick of treating together as planned. My sister quickly locked her house. “Glad you finally made it,” she said, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. Everyone scrambled into her minivan. “Hop in,” she said, “I’ve got a treat for you.”

I did as instructed, “Where are we going? I thought we were sticking to your neighborhood?”

“No, no one really trick or treats here, everybody goes a few miles away to Cedar Creek– you know that fancy suburban neighborhood? You won’t believe it when you see it. They cut off vehicular traffic and turn the whole damn neighborhood into a pedestrian-only, block-party-style, Halloween wonderland. All the houses are decorated, and everybody tries to outdo the next person, so it’s insane. Some of the houses even give away full-sized candy bars! By the way, here’s your treat! Your favorite, pumpkin spice vanilla latte.”

It really was my favorite! I could never turn a pumpkin spice vanilla latte! I dared not tell my sister I had just finished one. I took the giant cup from her and started sipping. My favorite drink on my favorite night! Who could ask for more?

The traffic getting to Cedar Creek was insane, and the only parking available was in the narrow streets around the outskirts of the development. We drove around for what seemed like forever until we finally saw another car pulling out of a potential parking space. “Quick get that one!” I shouted. And she did.

Cedar Creek was indeed insane! Like nothing I had ever seen. Tens of thousands of people of all ages roamed the streets in costumes (no doubt coming from nearby neighborhoods and enclaves) all running around gawking at the large McMansions, festooned in giant spider webs and gaudy lights. Any and all varieties of scary animatronic lawn decorations could be seen in front of house after house– giant skeletons, monsters of all varieties, bats, and cats. Lighted ghosts hung from trees and there were Styrofoam grave makers and carved Jack-o-Lanterns everywhere! It was as if a Halloween superstore had exploded right onto this neighborhood and I loved every inch of it.

Between the rowdy people and their costumes and the decorations everywhere, the entire neighborhood was sensory overload! Street after street, hordes of people, and more Halloween decorations than I could possibly ever have imagined. It was a Halloween wonderland. As we walked around from street to street and took it all in, the urge to pee hit me suddenly.

“Ugh, are their any bathrooms around here?” I asked.

“Sorry,” my sister said, “I don’t think so. Can you hold it?”

“I really have to pee!” I said.

“Maybe you could ask one of the people in one of these houses if you can use their bathroom?”

I didn’t think this was a good idea, but I was getting desperate, so I sheepishly made my way to a little old lady who was handing out candy from her from the front porch of her large, stately home.

“Excuse me, is there any way I could use your bathroom?”

From her reaction, you would have thought I’d ask her to help me rob a bank. Her face contorted as if she had encountered something vile and disgusting. “I’m sorry,” she said tersely, “as a policy, my neighbors and I never let anyone into our homes. It’s a matter of security.”

I walked away feeling defeated, as the pressure in my bladder grew quickly.

My sister could see I was in trouble, “Why don’t you walk back towards the car, surely you can find a dark corner or some bushes or something.”

Having no other choice, I began to walk through the crowd, realizing I’d probably never make it all the way back to the car or anywhere near it. After a block, I was seriously worried I might piss my pants, but then I saw it. A house that was under construction with a portable toilet for the workers placed right in front. I literally ran to the portable toilet, but my heart sank when I pulled on the door and realized it was padlocked shut. Damn. I looked around. The house was obviously unoccupied and lacked electricity. There was a fence around the dark property with no gates. I hurried towards the vacant backyard, which was littered with construction materials and tools. It was the perfect spot. I unzipped my pants and released a massive stream of piss behind the house that gave the young pharaoh I had seen earlier a run for his money. An audible sigh of utter relief involuntarily slipped between my lips. Then, I heard someone coming. Before I could cut off my stream, a man of about 30, trim, and clean cut appeared around the other corner, literally unbuttoning his pants. He stopped for a moment when he saw me, then continued towards me. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t realize these facilities were occupied. Hopefully there’s room for one more?”

“Be my guest,” I said, not really knowing what to say in such a compromising position, “there’s plenty of room back here.” He stood several yards away from me and also began to let out a huge, loud stream. He made no effort to hide his manhood whose outline I could see in the moonlight.

“Damn, I was bursting!” he said.

“Me too.”

Finally, we both finished up, and walked back to the street. “Have a good evening,” he said, “I’m glad there weren’t any ghosts back there!”

Maybe there were, I thought. And, I went off to find my sister, my head spinning and pants bulging.

Halloween has always been my favorite night of the year, but some fade with time—I knew for certain, this one never will.

[Brian]

I love how the couple of encounters which you describe between men who have to pee so badly that they have to do it outside with minimal cover are all part of the magic of the festival. This comes across very authentically. Thanks for a really enthralling read.

[Fred]

Friends of long ago would go out on Halloween night for "trick or drink" at neighboring houses, and they'd done it often enough to know which yards had discreet places to pee. If you're doing it in costume, you just have to be sure your hose is accessible.